Today I realized that loving a person with depression is hard. I myself suffered from it. Those were the times I cry myslef to sleep. Do you remember? I also cried in your shoulders. You often say “I’m sorry” or sometimes also cry with me. Those moments where you just stood by my side – being the only human being as my stronghold, I am very grateful. I couldve been dead by now if it werent for you. You did good. You did great. And now its my time to stand and be strong for you. I never knew how much you suffered just because I’m suffering. I never knew my suicidal thoughts is also killing you. No wonder you cry when I cry. I thought you only pity me, never knew I’m hurting you. Everytime you open up about your depression, I am left speechless. It’s not because I have nothing to say but I am just afraid that I might say something you don’t like to hear. That it may become a reason to build your depression much deeper. I’m afraid I might lose you because of it. Now I realized why you often say sorry to me before. You always say sorry for you don’t know what to do to help me. I always assure you that your presence is enough. It’s true, being with you just makes me forget everything. I feel safe, happy, and contented. I see hope and I feel it. And now it’s my turn. I never knew it was this hard. The pain in knowing that you are suffering but I can’t do anything to ease it, is killing me. If only I could take those burden away. If only I could carry those for you. I feel like I am a much better sufferer and you are far much better healer than me. You always know how to make me happy. Now I am questioning myself, do I really know you? Do I really know you that I don’t even know how to cheer you up! Is this what you felt when I was depressed? Sorry if I put you into so much suffering my love. Sorry for thinking in killing myself and not thought about what will hapoen to those I left behind. But even so, you did great. You did well.
Today we talkes about your depression, your suicidal thoughts. Again, I became speechless. But I guess my eyes said it all. And I hope it will reach your heart. You said you will try your best. I hope that my life,my time, and my love will be enough reason for you to carry on because yours are. We are not the same. I know you cope up with things differently. It’s okay if I will not be enough for you to be the first priority. It’s okay if I will not be enough for you to marry and spend the rest of your life. It’s even okay if you end up loving someone in the future and forget about me. As long as you promise to stay alive and live your life. I’d give up anything just to see you smile genuinely everyday. Fuck! I can even give you my life.
Coz what is living when I can’t even see you happy.